Tommy Cooper classics?

Tommy Cooper classics








Went to the paper shop - it had blown away





I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.





I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.





Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.





Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.





A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'





'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'





A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'


The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'





A man walked into the doctor's, he said ' I've hurt my arm in several places'


The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'





I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.





Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners





'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'


And a voice said, 'You are.'





'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'





'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,


so he gave me a kite.'





I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for ' flu.


So I went, and I got it.'





A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out' . Man says, Why?


The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'





Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.


The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.





Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .


And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'





Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.


Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.








'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Is it common?' It's not unusual.'








I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'





'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' .





So I knocked on the door at this bed %26amp; Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.








'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'


I said, 'Not only that.'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'


I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said 'Well he's been in a fight.'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'





A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.' My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.


Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'





So I went to the dentist.


He said, 'Say Aaah.'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'





A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac.' The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' .....' Bring me a colour TV'

Tommy Cooper classics?
just like that eh? v.good but its the way yer tell em
Reply:cool
Reply:I love Tommy Cooper!!





..don't recognise some of these though, hehe doh!





:) xx